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Saw J today.
Thinking about hospital.
Don't want to, but. Gah I just don't know.
Gonna go to DPW tomorrow and maybe find another solution.
This has gotta end. One way or another.

xpost, today

So. Life was going spectacularly there for a while. Loved my job, met some awesome people, moved to a new place. Had an amazing summer. And then something happened. Other shoe, perhaps, dropping as it so often does? Not sure.

Long story shortish....I quit my job a few weeks ago cuz getting out of bed in the morning wasn't all that manageable. Hooray for depression? *sigh* Ran out of meds, and out of money to buy meds.

Those friends I mentioned...thank fuck for them. Not sure how I'd've made it thru the past month without them. Nice to just knock on someone's door at 2am, be greeted with "you're not asleep" and then curl up in 'my' chair without having to explain or make up lies or pretend or even talk. Nice to have someone say "no more!" when they notice I've drained a glass of wine in less than 5 minutes. Nice that their life goes on around me and I can just fade a bit in to the background when I want.

In other news. Gloria called me yesterday. Very, very.....I don't even have a word for it. Weird, I guess? Not good weird or bad weird. Just weird. We hadn't talked or had contact in...4...5 years? I realized, during our 40 minute conversation, that we're very much alike. Not good at reaching out or asking for help or keeping in touch. Both feeling like pretty enormouse failures at life. Both carrying around a fuckton of guilt.

She'd like me to be a part of her boys' life. Get this...her ex and kids moved to where I grew up. Not, like, "oh, around where I grew up...about an hour down the road..." kind of a thing. Nope. Same small freaking town. They go to the same school I went to. I mean. Is that a little crazy? Of all the hundreds of millions of places they could've ended up?? They landed at Norwin? There are a dozen school districts in that county. And they're walking the same halls I walked.
Ok, maybe not exactly, since I believe the high school has been remodeled since I graduated. But stilllllll!!!!!! Fuckin crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Not in a bad way, again. Just so damn weird.

I don't know quite how to wrap my head around it. I mean, I've known about them since I found Gloria. But she just told them about me. So suddenly two guys out there have a big sister, in a way. And I have little brothers. Strange. I'm used to being the youngest. Of course, just cuz they know I exist now doesn't mean they think of me as related, or that they ever will. But still. Someday they might. That'd be kinda cool. In the very least, at least we can bitch about Norwin, right? Heh. I wonder if Federinko is still dictator principal. I wonder if the slogan is still First Class, All the Way. Ah, good ol' Mr Peduzzi.

Weird, to imagine that some of my old teachers have these guys in class and that they're related to me....I wonder what Mrs Walters would think?!! Or Mrs Walzcak or Frau Metzger. Craaaaazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm. Need to go feed the cats before they chew off my face.

xpost, yesterday

So....I just talked to Gloria for 40 minutes. (For those of you not in the know, she's the one who popped me out of her vajayjay 29 and a half years ago. Birthmom, mother of origin, etc. Not to be confused with Mum, the one who raised me for the following 29)

I'm not sure why I answered the phone, actually...I was thinking it was a bill collector, but the area code seemed vaguely familiar.

So. So I'm a bit manic now. She wants to tell her sons about me. Which is pretty cool. I met them once, when I met her, about 5 years ago, but they didn't actually know who I was.

She just called back. She called her sons and told them about me.

Ok. So. How weird is it that....her ex husband moved to North Huntingdon. And her children...go to Norwin???????

What a small freaking world???????

I'm still trying to find my jaw. It's on the floor around here somewhere.

Seriously tho. Gloria, when I found her, was living about 20 minutes away from where my sister lived. In *north carolina.* Of all the places that either of them could've been living, it ended up that i drove thru her town every time I visited my sis. And now, her kids are living in the same small podunk town I grew up in??????

This is too weird.

Not bad weird.

Just weird.

imitation me(at)

Apparently I am spam?
Somehow, that seems to be rather fitting.
le'sigh.

things to forget, things to remember

The lies we tell the world are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.- JW

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

~Max Ehrmann

No one said it'd be easy...

Not sure where to go, so I wander around and try to make it thru the day, learning that days are easier to make it thru than nights. Wishing I could figure it out. Wishing I even knew what it was.
Yesterday was worse than the day before. But today was better than yesterday.
Honesty. Difficult, but it happened. And the world didn't end. It maybe even got a little better? I dunno. I didn't spend the day in bed, at least. So. There's that. Right? There's that.