Least expected

My brain needs words to be written, but I can't think of what to write.

Gloria called. Gloria = birthmom. She called to wish me a happy belated birthday. It was 4pm on a Thursday afternoon (weeks after my birthday) and she was drinking. Drunk by the time we actually spoke on the phone. I want to be ok with this. I want to believe myself when I say it's not my problem.

I'm not. I don't.

Apparently, those are all the words I can muster.

friendssss. And wine!

I'm totally not sober. But I'm totally happy. A day full of work, girl scouts, and arts council. People I lovey god I love my friends. I can't even type this with my eyes open, cuz the words bounce around too much. But. Seriously. I have some of the best people in the world for friends. Seriously, I wish I could find the exact words to express how much I love and appreciate and cherish them, but so far I don't have the linguistic skills to encapsulate just how much they mean to me. It's a whole lot, tho. A whole fuckton. HUGS.

Quite sporadic in my writing, I know. I'll skip the whys and get right to the words.

Life is good. I have no money. But I have full time work (crap pay), a roof over my head, and amazing friends. I weaned myself off the meds, even though now I have insurance to pay for them. And most days I feel pretty damn good. Some times are rough, but it tends to just last for hours rather than days or weeks or months. For that I'm thankful. Haven't been in therapy in more than half a year and feel ok about that, too. Relationships with my family...eh....things are good with my mum. My half-brothers are on Facebook, so I kind of am able to see what they're up to. Haven't talked to 'our' mom (yeah, it's weird for me to think of her that way...and I'm not sure how they'd feel about me referring to their mum as my mom)...so...haven't talked to Gloria in a long time. Sister is...I dunno. We've been texting a bit the last few days but prior to that hadn't talked in months. Her choice, at first, and then mine because somehow she keeps getting upset by me although my behaviour doesn't change. So. Whatev...

One of my pictures earned Honorable Mention, Professional category in this year's Autumn Leaf art show. Unfortunately though, my camera is awful for the kind of pics I prefer to take, so I'm trying to sell it on eBay (or trying to get Leo to sell it on eBay) and then use that money for a more suitable camera. At least, that's the plan. In part, I don't feel I can spend any money on a camera, when I can't even pay my bills every month. But, I do make some money from my photography, and the mental well being it brings me is worth more than money. So. It's justified, I think.

Something I think I've learned lately is that really, taking care of Me really does help everything in the long run. Yay.

Eep. No more time. Toodles....

hamster's on the wheel

I've been doing amazingly well the last few weeks, maybe even months. Time is never constant for me, I can't really say if it's been weeks, or months. Longer than days but less than years. This much I know to be true.

Tonite, at the moment, I am feeling a little unwell. Wishing I had thrown sharps away the last few times I've thought about throwing them away. Haven't used them. But they're calling me, all shiny and...sharp. heh.

Loneliness is wrapped around me, and it is not a comfortable shell. I have friends. But they all have others. I...have my cats. And rats. And hamsters. And fish.

I wish it were allowed- intimate relationships without sex. But really, who's gonna answer that one on CraigsList? Might as well make the header "Hey, wanna date a freak, and not the good kind?" Yeah. Pretty sure it would go unanswered. At a gathering of friends the other day, one mentioned I should go and find someone and do all the sexstuff with them...I think he put it something like "to get all the heebie jeebies out before you get in to a real relationship with someone...." And I laughed and went along as if...as if that's all it was. And I wish that's all it was. But. It's so much more. I'm pretty sure it's more than "heebie jeebies" that cause me to shut down, dissociate, whatever...during anything past playful petting. And I'm pretty sure it's not normal to want to slice all your skin off after, when things have gone way past playful.

Speaking in obscurities and vagueness is as close as I can get to it. And even that...even that. Even that. Makes me feel wrong.

long time gone

Got a new job in January.
Sister apparently hates me.
Not sleeping.
Forgetting meds.
Gave in to cravings for first time in....dunno how long.
Better than alternative, I guess. *shrugs*

string

Saw J today.
Thinking about hospital.
Don't want to, but. Gah I just don't know.
Gonna go to DPW tomorrow and maybe find another solution.
This has gotta end. One way or another.

xpost, today

So. Life was going spectacularly there for a while. Loved my job, met some awesome people, moved to a new place. Had an amazing summer. And then something happened. Other shoe, perhaps, dropping as it so often does? Not sure.

Long story shortish....I quit my job a few weeks ago cuz getting out of bed in the morning wasn't all that manageable. Hooray for depression? *sigh* Ran out of meds, and out of money to buy meds.

Those friends I mentioned...thank fuck for them. Not sure how I'd've made it thru the past month without them. Nice to just knock on someone's door at 2am, be greeted with "you're not asleep" and then curl up in 'my' chair without having to explain or make up lies or pretend or even talk. Nice to have someone say "no more!" when they notice I've drained a glass of wine in less than 5 minutes. Nice that their life goes on around me and I can just fade a bit in to the background when I want.

In other news. Gloria called me yesterday. Very, very.....I don't even have a word for it. Weird, I guess? Not good weird or bad weird. Just weird. We hadn't talked or had contact in...4...5 years? I realized, during our 40 minute conversation, that we're very much alike. Not good at reaching out or asking for help or keeping in touch. Both feeling like pretty enormouse failures at life. Both carrying around a fuckton of guilt.

She'd like me to be a part of her boys' life. Get this...her ex and kids moved to where I grew up. Not, like, "oh, around where I grew up...about an hour down the road..." kind of a thing. Nope. Same small freaking town. They go to the same school I went to. I mean. Is that a little crazy? Of all the hundreds of millions of places they could've ended up?? They landed at Norwin? There are a dozen school districts in that county. And they're walking the same halls I walked.
Ok, maybe not exactly, since I believe the high school has been remodeled since I graduated. But stilllllll!!!!!! Fuckin crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Not in a bad way, again. Just so damn weird.

I don't know quite how to wrap my head around it. I mean, I've known about them since I found Gloria. But she just told them about me. So suddenly two guys out there have a big sister, in a way. And I have little brothers. Strange. I'm used to being the youngest. Of course, just cuz they know I exist now doesn't mean they think of me as related, or that they ever will. But still. Someday they might. That'd be kinda cool. In the very least, at least we can bitch about Norwin, right? Heh. I wonder if Federinko is still dictator principal. I wonder if the slogan is still First Class, All the Way. Ah, good ol' Mr Peduzzi.

Weird, to imagine that some of my old teachers have these guys in class and that they're related to me....I wonder what Mrs Walters would think?!! Or Mrs Walzcak or Frau Metzger. Craaaaazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm. Need to go feed the cats before they chew off my face.