I've been doing amazingly well the last few weeks, maybe even months. Time is never constant for me, I can't really say if it's been weeks, or months. Longer than days but less than years. This much I know to be true.
Tonite, at the moment, I am feeling a little unwell. Wishing I had thrown sharps away the last few times I've thought about throwing them away. Haven't used them. But they're calling me, all shiny and...sharp. heh.
Loneliness is wrapped around me, and it is not a comfortable shell. I have friends. But they all have others. I...have my cats. And rats. And hamsters. And fish.
I wish it were allowed- intimate relationships without sex. But really, who's gonna answer that one on CraigsList? Might as well make the header "Hey, wanna date a freak, and not the good kind?" Yeah. Pretty sure it would go unanswered. At a gathering of friends the other day, one mentioned I should go and find someone and do all the sexstuff with them...I think he put it something like "to get all the heebie jeebies out before you get in to a real relationship with someone...." And I laughed and went along as if...as if that's all it was. And I wish that's all it was. But. It's so much more. I'm pretty sure it's more than "heebie jeebies" that cause me to shut down, dissociate, whatever...during anything past playful petting. And I'm pretty sure it's not normal to want to slice all your skin off after, when things have gone way past playful.
Speaking in obscurities and vagueness is as close as I can get to it. And even that...even that. Even that. Makes me feel wrong.
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