friendssss. And wine!

I'm totally not sober. But I'm totally happy. A day full of work, girl scouts, and arts council. People I lovey god I love my friends. I can't even type this with my eyes open, cuz the words bounce around too much. But. Seriously. I have some of the best people in the world for friends. Seriously, I wish I could find the exact words to express how much I love and appreciate and cherish them, but so far I don't have the linguistic skills to encapsulate just how much they mean to me. It's a whole lot, tho. A whole fuckton. HUGS.

Quite sporadic in my writing, I know. I'll skip the whys and get right to the words.

Life is good. I have no money. But I have full time work (crap pay), a roof over my head, and amazing friends. I weaned myself off the meds, even though now I have insurance to pay for them. And most days I feel pretty damn good. Some times are rough, but it tends to just last for hours rather than days or weeks or months. For that I'm thankful. Haven't been in therapy in more than half a year and feel ok about that, too. Relationships with my family...eh....things are good with my mum. My half-brothers are on Facebook, so I kind of am able to see what they're up to. Haven't talked to 'our' mom (yeah, it's weird for me to think of her that way...and I'm not sure how they'd feel about me referring to their mum as my mom)...so...haven't talked to Gloria in a long time. Sister is...I dunno. We've been texting a bit the last few days but prior to that hadn't talked in months. Her choice, at first, and then mine because somehow she keeps getting upset by me although my behaviour doesn't change. So. Whatev...

One of my pictures earned Honorable Mention, Professional category in this year's Autumn Leaf art show. Unfortunately though, my camera is awful for the kind of pics I prefer to take, so I'm trying to sell it on eBay (or trying to get Leo to sell it on eBay) and then use that money for a more suitable camera. At least, that's the plan. In part, I don't feel I can spend any money on a camera, when I can't even pay my bills every month. But, I do make some money from my photography, and the mental well being it brings me is worth more than money. So. It's justified, I think.

Something I think I've learned lately is that really, taking care of Me really does help everything in the long run. Yay.

Eep. No more time. Toodles....

hamster's on the wheel

I've been doing amazingly well the last few weeks, maybe even months. Time is never constant for me, I can't really say if it's been weeks, or months. Longer than days but less than years. This much I know to be true.

Tonite, at the moment, I am feeling a little unwell. Wishing I had thrown sharps away the last few times I've thought about throwing them away. Haven't used them. But they're calling me, all shiny and...sharp. heh.

Loneliness is wrapped around me, and it is not a comfortable shell. I have friends. But they all have others. I...have my cats. And rats. And hamsters. And fish.

I wish it were allowed- intimate relationships without sex. But really, who's gonna answer that one on CraigsList? Might as well make the header "Hey, wanna date a freak, and not the good kind?" Yeah. Pretty sure it would go unanswered. At a gathering of friends the other day, one mentioned I should go and find someone and do all the sexstuff with them...I think he put it something like "to get all the heebie jeebies out before you get in to a real relationship with someone...." And I laughed and went along as if...as if that's all it was. And I wish that's all it was. But. It's so much more. I'm pretty sure it's more than "heebie jeebies" that cause me to shut down, dissociate, whatever...during anything past playful petting. And I'm pretty sure it's not normal to want to slice all your skin off after, when things have gone way past playful.

Speaking in obscurities and vagueness is as close as I can get to it. And even that...even that. Even that. Makes me feel wrong.

long time gone

Got a new job in January.
Sister apparently hates me.
Not sleeping.
Forgetting meds.
Gave in to cravings for first time in....dunno how long.
Better than alternative, I guess. *shrugs*